Open Mouth, Insert Foot
by Sh1 n0 m1k0
Summary: There are times where I should just keep my mouth shut...
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson! Major OOC-ness ahead! Beeep! Beeeeep! Beeeeep!   
  
Disclaimer: Ain't mine.   
  


~~~~~~~

  
  
There are times where I should just keep my mouth shut. The trick is, learning how to determine whtn these times are. I'm a little lacking in that department, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be forming a nice-sized crater right now.  
  
Don't get me wrong. It's not like I enjoy getting pummeled to the ground on a whim, but I've made some very nice friends. Like Igor the Ant. I met him just now. I do believe he just had a very meaningful conversation with my nose. Oh wait, he's been invited in.  
  
"Ah-CHOO!" Sorry Igor. Maybe some other time. My finger twitched. That's a good thing. It means that the spell is wearing off. Well, it was nice talking to you Igor, but now I have to go.  
  
Did I ever mention that it hurts to move? Let me put it this way, when you step on a spider, do you usually see it get up five seconds later and dance? Of course not. Odds are it's dead. Well, I've basically just been stepped on by some 'God of Vengeful Priestesses'. I'm just more resilient than the poor spider. Ow.  
  
"SIT!"  
  
"BIT-oomph!" Igor! Nooo! Everyone who gets close to me DIES!!!  
  
"You are so insensitive, Inu Yasha!"  
  
Look, I didn't mean to call you stupid, ignorant, idiotic, ugly, useless, stinky, over-emotional, worthless, junkettaceous, wommacky, valgus, unfellowed, testudineous, stentorophonous, ranivorous, proctalgia, oppugnant, nidorous, malefic, or ludibrious. It just sorta happened.  
  
"Feh." See? See? Mind and mouth do not line up! Bad mouth! Bad mouth! Hey, I can see up your skirt from here...No! Bad mind! Bad mind!  
  
"Inu Yasha, you didn't have to beat up those guys in the village. They didn't do anything, and could you STOP swearing in front of children?! It's uncalled for!"  
  
You know, with all the experience I've had with women, I could develop a legitimate case of gynophobia. My first crushed pinned me to a tree like a bug collection, and my new love of my life has the power to flatten me with a word. Hell, it's probably enough to turn a normal guy to homosexuals.  
  
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"  
  
Shit.  
  
"SIT!"  
  
Good thing I'm not normal, though Miroku's looking pretty good about now. "Dammit, wench! That's the third fucking time you fucking 's-worded' me in the last two fucking minutes!"  
  
"You aren't listening to me!"  
  
"Well la-de-fucking-da!"  
  
"SIT!"  
  
Ow. Let's see. If hanyou pisses off miko_ "x"_ amount of times in ten minutes, and the s-word can fly out of miko's mouth six times a second, causing hanyou to slam into the ground at eighty miles and hour, how long until the hanyou reaches the center of the earth, or his back breaks, whichever comes first?  
  
"SIT!"  
  
Damn. Seem like I'm about to find out.  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
"SIT!"  
  
Shit. My spine just popped. This isn't good.  
  
"Do you WANT to fucking kill me?"  
  
"You deserved it!"  
  
"Feh."  
  
"SIT!"  
  
Fuck! She's gonna seriously break my back! Play dead, play dead, play dead....why hello, Mr. Rock...  
  
"Inu Yasha?"  
  
What do you mean 'Kagome has nice legs'? Oh, I see what you mean. Personally I prefer the panties...Bad mind! Bad mind!  
  
"You're ignoring me aren't you?"  
  
Is it just me or did it get colder in here?  
  
Shit.  
  
"SIIIIT!"  
  
**~CRACK!~**  
  
"AaaaaH!" Fuck, fuck, fuck! Can't...move...hurt...bad...  
  
"Inu Yasha?"  
  
Shit. I've worried her. Now my stupid mouth is gonna get me in trouble, and I'm gonna DIE! Ya hear me? DIE!! No! No! Don't kneel in front of me...ahhh...panti-..Bad mind!  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Mmm...dirt..."No."  
  
"Wha-what happened?"  
  
I managed to sigh. At least I'm still breathing.  
  
"You finally went through with your threat, Kagome. Congratulations."  
  
She stiffened. She probably knows it's bad. Hell, I used her first name.  
  
"What threat?"  
  
"My back broke."  
  
"Oh, god..."  
  
She's in shock. Great.  
  
"I'll be fine in a little while, so don't worry too much. I'm not a weakling like someone I know, wench."  
  
There. She should be good and pissed off now. Back to normal.  
  
"How-how can you say that?!?"  
  
Shit. She's crying.  
  
"I just broke you're BACK!! And you tell me not to worry about it?!?"  
  
Aw, dammit.  
  
"How stupid ARE you anyways?!?"  
  
Here it comes.  
  
"SI-"  
  
"KAGOME!" She froze. That was close. I can almost feel my feet.  
  
"Oh my god...I almost..."  
  
"Yeah. Do you mind not saying that for a while, wench?"  
  
"Can...can you move?"  
  
Yeah. I think I could rival Lord of the Dance at the moment. Whee! Jig, jig, jig! Jig, jig, jig!   
  
"I'm...I'm gonna try to roll you over, okay? I learned this a long time ago, so bear with me..."  
  
Okay. I can handle this. Arm above head, other arm by side. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch..  
  
"OW!"  
  
"Sorry! I never said I was good at this!"  
  
"Fuck!"  
  
"Here. Is this better?"  
  
Yeah. Just about as much as having bamboo splinters under my CLAWS!! Time for drastic action.  
  
"Your lap..."  
  
"Again?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
I can sense the smile. Oh well. Where the hell did the backpack come from? I wonder if she has ramen...mmm..ramen. Noodly-goodness. I could eat it all day forever. Warm. Lap. Kagome... Nirvana.  
  
"Better."  
  
"Yeah." Much. I think I like this angle. I can see the stars in her eyes, the boogers in her nose... Ewww! Don't you ever blow you're nose, girl? I don't think I've ever seen her blow her-  
  
"Inu Yasha?"  
  
-nose. "Hmm?"  
  
"Why did you beat up those guys?"  
  
Dammit! I didn't kill them or anything! Let it go!  
  
"Feh."  
  
"Really. Tell me."  
  
"Why do you care?"  
  
"They walked away with broken ribs, black eyes, missing teeth, and other numerous cuts and bruises. I know you were being lenient, but what did they do?"  
  
"Feh." You don't want to know.  
  
"Come on."  
  
"They pissed me off."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"What? I need more?"  
  
"Tell me, dammit!" I love it when you talk dirty to me...  
  
"Feh!"  
  
"'Yasha.."  
  
"..."  
  
"Please?"  
  
Damn. She used _the voice. _ I hate_ the voice._ I'd cut out my own heart if she asked with_ the voice. _ I just can't resist_ the voice. _ Trust me. It sucks. I sighed. I can almost wiggle my toes.  
  
"They were dangerous."  
  
"They were old men!"  
  
"Bull shit! They were youkai!"  
  
"Nuh-uh! I would have sensed if they were!"  
  
She just doesn't get it. "Did you see their knapsacks?"  
  
"Yes. There was cloth in them. I looked through it with Sango-chan."  
  
"There were herbs..."  
  
"To scent the cloth..."  
  
"Would you shut the hell up?"  
  
"Well, excuuuuse me!"  
  
"Feh. Do you want me to tell you or not?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then shut it."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"There were herbs in their bags that are known for their use in abduction by slavers."  
  
"So?"  
  
I growled. I may be in her lap, breathing in her sweet, sweet scent, but fuck, this is getting fucking ridiculous. Mmm... smell...good...  
  
"So it works like this, and I'll use small words to help you to understand. When these herbs are put in a piece of cloth and held over the victim's nose and mouth, it causes them to pass out for hours. Allowing the slavers to carry them off and sell. Easy money."  
  
"That doesn't mean that they were going to use them like that."  
  
"You don't want me to finish? Fine. I won't."  
  
That should shut her up.  
  
"Inu Yashaaaaa!"  
  
Crap. Don't look at me like that...  
  
"Please?"  
  
Oh god.  
  
"Won't you tell me?"  
  
Why do those uniform things have to be so seductive? It's not fair like that. I know I'll never be so goddamn sexy. After seeing her wear my fire-rat armor after her sake bath, (Compliments of Peach Man, may he rot in pieces. Nice memories though...) It never looked that good on me ever again. Then Shippo called it pink, and she agreed. There go all my dreams of being a sexy beast. Damn.  
  
"Inu Yasha?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Are you okay? Your eyes kind of glazed over for a moment."  
  
Oops.  
  
"Inu Yasha, tell me what happened."  
  
It's the demanding voice. I hate the demanding voice. I'd cut out my own heart if she used the demanding voice. I just can't resist the demanding voice. Trust me. It- hey, wait a minute...  
  
"Do it."  
  
"Feh."  
  
Umm...why did the temperature just drop?  
  
"SI-"  
  
I whimpered. The Great and Mighty Inu Yasha whimpered. There goes my reputation. Bye bye reputation. I'll probably never see you again if this gets out.  
  
"I'm sorry! I forgot!"  
  
"Obviously." I think I'm okay now. Not that I'm gonna tell Kagome, mind you. I'm quite comfortable where I'm at right now, thank you very much.  
  
"Really, though. I deserve to know."  
  
"It doesn't help their case when they're discussing the prices they could get by slaving you and Sango within earshot of me and Miroku. I wouldn't be surprised if they've added to Miroku's Air Rip by now."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Now she's quiet, which is very good. Not to mention the fact that she's absent-mindedly rubbing my ears. It feels nice. Just don't let her know I said that. It's a comfortable silence, we've had lots of those, and I always look forward to the next. Do you blame me?  
  
I thought so.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Feh."  
  
When I was young, my mother would tell me stories about couples who were soulmates. and that someday, I'd find my own. It's times like these that make me believe it.  
  
"We probably should be getting back. Miroku and Sango are probably wondering where we are."  
  
I feel bad for the sorry bastard who ends up with Kagome.  
  
"Feh." Screw them.   
  
"Shippo's probably worried, too."  
  
On second thought...  
  
"Can you move yet?"  
  
Yes. "No."  
  
Ooh! I made her sigh! If getting up and doing a victory dance wasn't un-Inu Yasha-like, and wouldn't blow my cover, I'd do it.  
  
"I guess we'll have to stay a bit longer."  
  
I'll just make my finger twitch spasmodically.  
  
"KAAAAGOOOOOMMEEEE!!!" Damn. If it isn't a little bastard...  
  
"Shippo~chan!"  
  
"OOOF!" Doesn't the brat have enough courtesy not to jump on the stomach of the poor, helpless, injured hanyou? Oh well... I'll kill him later.  
  
"Shippo~chan, be nice to Inu Yasha, he's hurt."  
  
"Okay, but only because you asked me to."  
  
That little shit...  
  
"Why don't you practice some of your tricks? It'll entertain Inu Yasha."  
  
Yes. Entertain me. I dare you.  
  
"Okay, Kagome!"  
  
Shit.  
  
"I'll tell a story! Once upon a time..."  
  
This sucks.  
  
Kagome? Kagome don't leave me! Don't leave me at his mercy! Wake up, dammit!  
  
"OWW! WHO PINCHED ME?!"  
  
Innocent face, innocent face...stop pointing at me Shippo..stop with the damned pointing!  
  
"He did it!"  
  
"Inu Yashaa!"  
  
"Eh...Kagome...my back...remember?" Remind me to never try to do meek again.  
  
"Yeah, right! I betcha he's fine, see!"  
  
Brat! Stop... Chewing... My... Head! DIE!  
  
"Ahhhh! Kagooooommeeeeee!"  
  
"Inu Yasha?"  
  
Hey, would you lookit that. I can walk... err...run! It's a miracle!  
  
"What, wench?"  
  
Sucks to be me.  
  
"SIT!"  
  
There are times where I should just keep my mouth shut...  
  
"SIT!"  
  
Damn.  
  


~~~~~

  
  
A/N: I already sense the questions coming from all angles. First, the definitions...   
  
junkettaceous: frivolous; worthless   
  
wommacky: weak and shaky as in convalescence   
  
valgus: bowlegged or knock-kneed   
  
unfellowed: unmated or unmatched   
  
testudineous: slow, like a tortoise   
  
stentorophonous: having an abnormally loud voice   
  
ranivorous: frog-eating   
  
proctalgia: a pain in the ass   
  
oppugnant: hostile, antagonistic   
  
nidorous: smelling like burning or decaying animal matter   
  
malefic: harmful, mischievous   
  
ludibrious: ludicrous   
  
gynophobia: fear of women   
  
Yes, those are real words. Trust me. I used the 'Word Lover's Dictionary'. I think I liked looking up the words the best out of writing this... or not. More like the writing out of character, and imagining that poor Inu Yasha was thinking it...Who knows? 


	2. Chapter 2

_**Open Mouth, Insert Foot : Chapter Two**_

**The Littlest One**

0-0-0-0-0

You think I don't know anything.

You think I'm useless. Just a sack of hide with gooey insides that's good for bopping around.

Well, you're wrong.

I'm an important part in the dynamics of the group and you know it!

I'm also going to accuse you of being ignorant of the fact that I know _exactly_ what Inuyasha wants to do with Kagome and what Miroku wants to do with every village girl we come across, but I'll wait a bit for that. Let your pitiful ego heal a bit. Pitiful. Ego.

I. Am. Shippo. And I know _everything. EVERYTHING!_ Mwa ha ha ha ha!

Momma didn't raise no fool.

Momma...

MOMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I MISS MY MOMMA!... Why did she have to die like that! She didn't do anything wrong! She was protecting me! Her and Poppa both! They didn't do anything wrong at all!

Just because they wouldn't bow to those two bullies... Kagome is all fine and well enough to cuddle with, but she just doesn't have that special something. You'll laugh at me if I tell you what it is though.

...fine.

Momma smelled natural. Like leaves, and earth, and trees, and wind, and spiders.

We had a nasty spider problem back at the den. You don't want to know. Spiders as big as your head!

But...

She smelled like home.

Kagome doesn't. Kagome smells... funny. Kind of like cheese. That's been rolled in... something. Maybe the cotton polyester mix that her uniform is made out of. That would make the most sense, after all. But I'll take all the cuddles I can get. I'm traumatized by seeing my parents slaughtered in front of my eyes, remember? I shouldn't have to worry about my surrogate mother smelling weird. I should be rubbing Inuyasha's nose in the fact that I get to snuggle between Kagome's... twins... whenever I want and he can't even get himself to admit he likes how the poor human smells!

But don't tell Inuyasha I said that! He seems to think that her scent is the nectar of the fountain of youth.

He's a silly puppy.

Don't tell him I said that either! I like life!

Speaking of life... maybe I should just stay away from him, period. It seems that everyone who gets close to him dies. But I'm being morbid. Although, it is a disturbing trend. Well, either way. He leaves me alone enough.

Everyone does.

They all seem to think that the only thing I like to do in my spare time is chase down butterflies and eat chocolate. Granted, I like eating chocolate, but really! It goes straight to my foxy little hips! But I let them think what they want to think. It gives me time to plan my inevitable domination of our silly little band.

Look at us. Really. What are we? A bunch of outcasts. And I know the weaknesses of every single one of them. Inuyasha? Can't stand putting Kagome in danger. Miroku? Anything with curves. And other essential anatomical differences. Sango? Miroku, believe it or not. I've seen the way she watches him sleep when on her shift. And Kagome? Me.

It's perfect! I have yet to figure out how to exploit it all to the best of my ability, but for now, I'm well fed on chocolates. And I chase butterflies. Just to keep up the image, you know.

I really like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. And the word 'silly'. The way it rolls off the tongue...

But I believe your idiotic, know-it-all-ego has finally recovered from the vicious blows I dealt it earlier.

ahem

You think I don't know about the hormones that are flying around. Especially the ones between Inuyasha and Kagome. That I'm too young to understand how the concept of horny teenagers that are thrown together for an extended period of time inevitably ends to the desire of jumping eachother's bones.

I admit it. I do know. And I play those same desires like a violin. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

Oh come now, you think my strategic interruption of every single tender moment they share is based on irony! Please, please! You give the Lady Fate too much credit! She needs help sometimes!

After all, blackmail is fun! I've got some great stuff in this mighty brain of mine!

Like the time when – OOH! BUTTERFLY!

Must... catch... butterfly... Oof. Stupid tree root, undermining my authority. Uh oh. Tender moment, one o'clock. Or whatever time it is.

"KAAAAGOOOOOMMEEEE!"

"Shippo-chan!" Inuyasya is obviously hurt. And very obviously annoyed with me right now. I think I shall jump on him. With all my strength.

"OOOF!" Yes. Yes I shall.

Hm. By the smells, I would say that he's almost healed from whatever happened... but he's still lying in Kagome's lap... TIME FOR AN INTERVENTION! Ugh. Cheese.

"Shippo-chan, be nice to Inuyasha. He's hurt."

Bovine excrement. "Okay, but only because you asked me to." I allowed myself to smirk at him, I'll admit it. And in his eyes, I saw death. And somewhere deep inside me, I danced. I danced the evil dance of evil, evil things.

Oh how I love playing with fire! It's so exciting not knowing if he's going to kill me in my sleep one of these days. But I know Kagome will always protect me! I mean, I know that Inuyasha's puny little sword only hurts demons and won't harm a human, but I don't think he's going to cut my head off with it while I'm pillowed against the girl of his dreams. Regardless of the fact that the sword won't hurt her.

"Why don't you practice some of your tricks? It'll entertain Inuyasha."

Tricks? Entertain? Oh, my dear, you have no idea what you just asked of me...

"Okay, Kagome!" I could see the panic in Inuyasha's eyes. And it felt so, so good. "I'll tell a story! Once upon a time..." Death and Damnation rained from the skies. And it's master was Shippo.

Mwa ha ha ha ha! That's right, dog. You are at my mercy. And I, the almighty Shippo, HAVE NONE! Ha!

"OWW! WHO PINCHED ME!" Oh, that wouldn't be me, my dear. That would be the stupid hanyou who's got his stupid head in your lap. Why would it be the cute, little fox-child with the lovely blue eyes? The fox-child can do no wrong...

"He did it!"

"Inuyashaaa..."

"Eh... Kagome... my back... remember...?"

Was it just me, or was the great and mighty Inuyasha being meek? Oh, it is truly my lucky day. I shall store it in the iron trap of my memory. Filed under "Shippo's Lucky Day."

"Yeah, right! I betcha he's fine, see!" Did I ever mention that Inuyasha's head tastes oh-so-sweet? Like candy. For me. Oh dear. I wasn't expecting him to get up that fast.

"Ahhhh! Kagooooomeeeeee!" If I can't see him, he can't see me. If I can't see him, he can't see me... Oh for the love of the gods, Kagome, don't move! You move, I die!

"Inuyasha?" Hee. He's so dead.

"What, wench?" And I shall dance on his grave. With popcorn. I like popcorn.

"SIT!"

... and this is why I stay with these lovebirds.

"SIT!"

I'm just waiting for my moment to strike! Mwa ha ha ha!

0-0-0-0-0

Disclaimer: No ownies.

5h1 n0 m1k0


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Here it is, folks. The final chapter. It only took, what, a few years?_

Open Mouth, Insert Foot: Chapter 3

**The End of One's Rope**

**--**

Why me?

Why did I have to be the one with a mystic ball of glass hiding inside my skin?

Why did I have to be the one with the soul of a dead priestess?

Why do I, of all people, have to be the one who has to deal with an emotionally-retarded half-demon, an attention-deficient fox-child with a personal space issue, a lecherous monk with a HOLE in his HAND (You don't want to know the things I've seen him do with it. It's terrifying. Trust me.), and a demon huntress with more testosterone than earlier stated monk?

Why?

Why-Why-Why-Why-Whyyyyyy?!

I mean, just a few months ago, I was looking forward to an ice-cream cake, maybe a friend or two staying overnight, and the potential for a pony.

A PONY!!

Do you know how _hard _it was to have my mother even _consider_ buying me a pony for my birthday?! It took almost all of ten _years_! Ten years of leaving strategically placed pony magazines lying around the house, innocent questions about whether or not I could have a pony for Christmas, training Souta to mention that I _deserve_ a pony, and convincing Grandpa that ponies were not strange demons – they _were _to be trusted and given to granddaughters as gifts on their birthdays.

But no. Instead, my overweight cat had to manage to run out of the house and into the spookiest place on the shrine grounds. Grandpa used to scare me when I was little with stories about that well-house. He said that there were ghosties and ghoulies and long-leggity beasties _eating_ the things that go bump in the night in there. Thinking back, I'm sure that was supposed to reassure me that none of the scary things were actually in my closet or under the bed, but when you're five years old with a vivid imagination...

Let's just say it didn't work too well and I would steer clear of the building constantly. After all, I had positive pony paraphernalia to distribute!

I was convinced we could tear the place down to make a suitable pony house. It would have two stories and a pool! And absolutely no creepy supernatural vibes to it at all. Nope. Nuh-uh. Just a lot of pink.

Instead, a creepy centipede woman pulls me down into the well and I'm stuck in this weird time loop that I'm sure breaks all rules of causality and will end up destroying the world someday.

Great.

Now, instead of getting my well-earned pony, I get to play zoo-keeper. Only instead of playing fun games with monkeys and manatees, I have to make sure that my _flippin' insane_ _dog-demon_ doesn't kill anyone important and completely disrupt history!

And what sucks the most, is that he could almost be cute – _IF HE WASN'T SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS ALL THE BLINKIN' TIME_.

I mean, seriously! Come on!

At least I have that necklace-thingy on him to keep him a little more under control. Beats me how it works – I'm just glad it does. And it is kind of fun to ride around on his back.

Not as fun as a pony, though. But close.

"SIT!"

"BIT-oomph!" There's something satisfying about that solid "Whump!" noise that he makes every time he hits the ground just so. It's almost worth timing the way I 'sit' him just to hear that every time.

"You are so insensitive, Inu Yasha!" And he is. Is he ever. It takes having him beaten within an inch of his life, the loss of at least four _quarts_ of blood, and a new moon to get any sort of compliment or positive reinforcement out of him. You would think that he would die if he ever gave any!

Then again, knowing him and the way he keeps secrets (yeah, hiding his "time of the month" from me? Not a smooth move.) he probably would explode on sight.

"Feh." And damned if he cares. Jerk.

"Inu Yasha, you didn't have to beat up those guys in the village. They didn't do anything, and could you STOP swearing in front of children?! It's uncalled for!"

If anything, I've learned a few anatomically impossible things and interesting terms to use whenever those jerks at the LAN parties really start to pwn on me. I had been running out, too. But hearing those same terms come out of little Shippo or Rin's mouths is just wrong. Try explaining that to stupidhead over here though.

"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"

'Course not.

"SIT!"

"Dammit, wench! That's the third fucking time you fucking 's-worded' me in the last two fucking minutes!"

What, you think I can't count now? You think I'm _STUPID?!_

"You aren't listening to me!"

"Well, la-de-fucking-da!"

Oh, he's so in for it now. "SIT!"

Pony, dammit! I coulda had a PONY!

"SIT!"

"Bitch!"

I was going to name it Sparkle Magic and we were going to be best friends!

"SIT!"

"Do you WANT to fucking kill me?"

"You deserved it!" You robbed me of the Friday tea parties Sparkle Magic and I could have had! Of course you deserve it! You never want a tea party!

"Feh."

"SIT!" Wait a second. He's not moving anymore. Does that mean I've finally killed him?

"Inu Yasha?"

No response. I think it's time to get the stick. Nothing like a good firm poke to determine the life status of a strange body sprawled on the ground. No, he's still breathing. I'll have to try harder next time.

"You're ignoring me, aren't you?"

His silence speaks volumes.

He. Will. Pay.

"SIIIIT!"

**-CRACK!-**

"AaaaaH!"

"Inu Yasha?"

He's still whimpering slightly. I would pay good money to see him cry, but whimpering is pretty good, too.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

No? _No_?! You mean to tell me that I've taken out the Great and Mighty Inu Yasha with a word?! Gives a whole new meaning to that 'Sticks and Stones' rhyme.

"Wha- what happened?"

"You finally went through with your threat, Kagome. Congratulations."

How ominous.

"What threat?"

"My back broke."

"Oh, god..."

With my luck, any second now a big bad demon guy will come crashing through the trees and demand my shards as well as my virtue – just because the stupid jerkwad is out of commission. If I die Inu Yasha, it'll be all your fault!!

"I'll be fine in a little while, so don't worry too much. I'm not a weakling like someone I know, wench."

Weakling?! So you admit that I'm about to be overcome and raped by some crazy-ass demon king with some sort of school girl fetish?!

"How- how can you say that?!"

I'm so doooooooomed!!

"I just broke your BACK!! And you tell me not to worry about it?!"

He's kind of... twitching now. Is that all your going to do to save me you good-for-nothing sack of goo? Twitch at the crazy-ass demon king rapist until he surrenders?! Somehow, I don't have any faith in that plan. I oughta kick you.

"How stupid ARE you anyways?"

Wait. Dumb question.

"SI-"

"KAGOME!"

"Oh my god... I almost..."

Oops.

"Yeah. Do you mind not saying that for a while, wench?"

But I want to so baaaaaaaad!

"Can... can you move?"

I think, that if he was looking at me right now and not firmly planted in the earth, eating dirt to his heart's content, he would look at me as if I had grown a third head out of my ass. He looks at me as if I have two heads right now anyway, so it would have to be a third.

"I'm... I'm gonna try to roll you over, okay? I learned this a long time ago, so bear with me..."

I actually slept through the Health class that did this, but there's no sense in mentioning that now, is there?

"OW!"

"Sorry! I never said I was good at this!"

"Fuck!"

"Here. Is this better?"

Okay, so the rock for a pillow is a little extreme but I'm still feeling a little put out about the pony.

"Your lap..."

"Again?" Hypocrite. You said I smelled like something that had died and been left to rot in the sun for a fortnight before pickled in piss and left in the sun for another month!

"Shut up."

I can't help but smile. He can be such a softie. Hard to imagine after seeing him in action for a few days – his emotions are either non-existent or made from stone. But really, deep down inside, he's all squishy. Like a Twinkie. But only deep inside. Very, _very_ deep. You'd have to run him through and dig halfway to the other side of the planet before you found the crème filling. And even then, the crème filling would only be as big as an anorexic amoeba.

"Better?"

"Yeah."

He's got his eyes closed, but he keeps sneaking peeks at me. I wonder why.

"Inu Yasha?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you beat up those guys?" Ha! You thought I forgot! You thought wrong!

"Feh."

"Really. Tell me."

"Why do you care?"

"They walked away with broken ribs, black eyes, missing teeth, and other numerous cuts and bruises. I know you were being lenient, but what did they do?"

"Feh."

"Come on." I'm serious.

"They pissed me off."

"That's it?" You know, I don't believe you as far as I can throw you. I don't believe you most of the time as it is, actually. You're such a lying sack of poo.

"What? I need more?"

"Tell me, dammit!" Must not say the word. I must NOT say the word. Zen, Kagome, Zen.

"Feh!"

"'Yasha..."

"..."

Time for the big guns.

"Please?"

If there is a way to convert the pleading energy of a well-delivered set of puppy dog eyes and utilize it to create the saddest, most pathetic tone in the world, I'm pretty sure that I've discovered the way. If I look him in the eye and use it, I can see his black heart shake, rattle, and roll. I don't think Kikyo has figured this out this very helpful technique, otherwise he'd be counting the hairs on Satan's bee-hind by now.

Mwa ha.

"They were dangerous."

"They were old men!" Dirty old men at that. Don't even _ask_ what Sango and I were unfortunate enough to over hear when we were buying food. I didn't think that kind of movement was even _possible._

"Bull shit! They were youkai!"

"Nuh-uh! I would have sensed if they were!" I think. You know, you never can tell with these things... But I'm pretty sure.

"Did you see their knapsacks?"

"Yes. There was cloth in them. I looked through it with Sango-chan." If you ignored most of the blood-stains on them, they were actually quite nice. I was going to buy one that had the prettiest pattern on it, but the knife wound tears were too big to fix without patching. I may be handy out of necessity, but if I can avoid needles – I'd rather keep it that way.

Especially after the one time when I sewed my Home Economics project to my partner. Eri wouldn't talk to me for a week, and rumor has it that there's still some thread embedded in her leg somewhere. Oops.

"There were herbs -"

"To scent the cloth..."

"Would you shut the hell up?"

NO!

"Well, excuuuuse me!"

"Feh. Do you want me to tell you or not?"

"Yes."

"Then shut it."

"Fine." Actually, I could care less by now. Sheesh. You're such a drama queen.

"There were herbs in their bags that are known for their use in abduction by slavers."

"So?"

"So it works like this, and I'll use small words to help you understand. When these herbs are put in a piece of cloth and held over the victim's nose and mouth, it causes them to pass out for hours. Allowing the slavers to carry them off and sell. Easy money."

"That doesn't mean they were going to use them like that." But it _is _a very good idea... I wonder how much someone would pay for your stinking hide you no-good flea-bitten half-crazed-

"You don't want me to finish? Fine. I won't."

"Inu Yashaaaaa!" Okay. I can't use the word, but what are my other options?

"Please?" I pouted. I hate to admit it, but I did.

"Won't you tell me?" There's something about a cute little pout that turns my silly puppy-boy into a twitching sac of mushy things. But, uh... that look wasn't exactly what I was looking for...

"Inu Yasha?".

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? Your eyes kind of glazed over for a moment." He didn't respond, the bastard. He better not be daydreaming about my panties again. The fact that he does it in the first place is bad enough, but to have him do it repeatedly... yeeeach.

"Inu Yasha, tell me what happened." Oh, not going down without a fight, eh? Well, let's just see how you like facing my 'I'm-a-powerful-priestess-and-if-you-mess-with-me-I'll-make-you-eat-your-kidneys' voice. I used to make boys cry with that voice. It's as if all the mothers of the world united as one to express their disappointment...

"Do it."

"Feh."

"SI-" Oh. My. God.

He whimpered!

The Great and Mighty Inu Yasha whimpered!

I... I think I'm going to cry! It... It was so beautiful!

"I'm sorry! I forgot!"

"Obviously."

"Really, though. I deserve to know."

"It doesn't help their case when they're discussing the prices they could bet by slaving you and Sango within earshot of me and Miroku. I wouldn't be surprised if they've added to Miroku's Air Rip by now."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Thank you." I guess. I really hate it when he gets all chivalrous and crap. It makes it so much harder to hate his filthy guts for putting me in this situation in the first place. But when he goes and does something honorable, it's like... butterflies in my stomach or something...

"Feh." Or maybe I ate something wrong. That could be it too. Sanitation around here isn't exactly at it's peak, and there aren't health inspectors running about. Just demons.

"We probably should be getting back. Miroku and Sango are probably wondering where we are." In reality, my legs are falling asleep. He's got a fat head, what can I say? Cute, fat head. But still a fat head.

"Feh."

"Shippo's probably worried, too." He probably doesn't give a damn about the poor kid. He's such a sweet heart, too. Always bringing me flowers and chasing butterflies... It really is a shame he had to grow up so quickly.

"Can you move yet?"

"No."

"I guess we'll have to stay a bit longer." My legs are screaming pain. I wonder if you can have someone get liposuction on their head. Or ego. Because his certainly could use it.

"KAAAAGOOOOOMMEEEE!!"

"Shippo-chan!"

"OOOF!" Ha, ha! Stomp him again!

"Shippo-chan, be nice to Inu Yasha, he's hurt."

"Okay, but only because you asked me to."

"Why don't you practice some of your tricks? It'll entertain Inu Yasha."

"Okay, Kagome!" Awwwww... look at the squinty face! Look at the squinty face! He's so _Cute!!_ And he's thinking so _hard_ and he's just so _Cute!!_

"I'll tell a story! Once upon a time..."

I never realized just how tired I am. I guess that trying to run the three ring circus that is our merry band of travelers is more draining than I thought. Maybe if I just rest my eyes for a bit.

"OWW! WHO PINCHED ME?!" Holy flying fuck that hurt! Whoever did that is going to die painfully and slowly!

"He did it!"

"Inu Yashaa!"

"Eh... Kagome... my back... remember?"

"Yeah, right! I betcha he's fine, see?" I love it when Shippo stomps on Inu-yasha. That grunt of discomfort is such a sweet, sweet sound.

"Ahhhh! Kagooooommeeeeee!"

"Inu Yasha?" Ahem. Now, I'm sure that there's a perfectly logical explanation for why you're such a _lying sonuvabitch_ for faking your situation.

"What, wench?"

"SIT!"

But _I DON'T GIVE A DAMN_. _YOU. ARE. DEAD._

"SIT!"

Somebody owes me a fucking _pony_ for this.


End file.
